urbanAnchorite (urban_anchorite) wrote,
urbanAnchorite
urban_anchorite

You will all be glad to hear I have fixed Cities in Dust.

Previously, this story was a hardboiled mindfuck adventure. Totally unenjoyable. I have made it into a romance novel circa 1997* so that it can be enjoyed by a wider variety of people and touch on more topical issues. I am pretty sure cephiedvariable is super grateful that I have turned her borey into a story.

*or anything written by Cassie Edwards



CV: I wish I could write a harlequin romance. i tried so hard but it just became about bavarian politics
tZM: yeah you have to turn your brain off and you can't
tZM: it'd be all reaching the kissing scenes
tZM: and suddenly the heroine would be all
tZM: I AM AN ASSASSIN SENT BACK IN TIME TO KILL HAPSBURGS TO PREVENT THE CORRUPTION THAT PLAGUED THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT DURING THE BOER WAR
CV: I've considered trying to submit harlequin stories that were thinly veiled AU fanfics of my OTPs but...
CV: also why is my romance story assassins creed
tZM: is that what assassin's creed is actually about........

tZM: Also the thing is even if you wrote AU fanfic it wouldn't be stupid enough
tZM: Like if you want me to romnov the plot of CiD I can do it for you in an instant and it wouldn't be what you think
CV: tell me about cities in dust with the plot removed
tZM: okay CiD romnovved


GET READY!!


tZM: Terezi Pyrope is an upcoming legislacerator who's been assigned hotshot investigator Dave Strider despite the fact that she can make it on her own and is an independent woman and doesn't need a man for anything
CV: klfkjgkfgjkhlg
tZM: Also her troll fiancee died when she was 18 and she's sworn never to love again
CV: poor karkat
tZM: No it's okay he's actually alive
tZM: But she doesn't know that
tZM: That's for later
CV: dfkjsdl
tZM: Stop ruining it Jenn
CV: OKAY I'LL BE QUIET
tZM: you can make comments if the comments revolve around how romantic this is

tZM: Okay so the first time Dave and Terezi meet there is immediate chemistry between them because although she has terrible physical flaws like
also she's not blind she just has bad eyesight and wears glasses
tZM: and she has hair she does up in an unflattering bun
tZM: He is taken aback by how beautiful she is also he won't work with a troll because in his bluecollar upbringing trolls killed his older brother with a pipe wrench when Bro was just trying to scrape together a couple of hot dog coupons to feed Dave
tZM: That's when Dave swore to become a cop
CV: does she still have shark teeth
tZM: Yes but they are not referred to often
CV: damn that's like half of CiD's word count
tZM: yeah there goes half your word count
CV: Cities in Dust: Terezi has terrifying teeth, the novel
tZM: Also he is enraptured by Terezi's "perfect backside" that "snugly fits" in her "demure legislacerator skirts"
CV: STRIDER THERE IS NOTHING THERE
tZM: he has a great view ok
tZM: Anyway they squabble a lot and she is all 1 DONT N33D 4 M4N FOR 4NYTH1NG and he's like hold it sister and she's like DONT C4LL M3 S1ST3R and he is impressed by her independence
tZM: However she goes off in a stupid huff and she gets shot at by a mugger and he takes a bullet for her and she is overcome by how stupid she is and how noble Dave is
CV: this is very romantic
CV: okay but where's rose
tZM: Rose is Dave's ex
tZM: Who wants to get back with him
CV: oh that's awkward
tZM: And she's a whore
CV: rjgdfkl
tZM: She is a Career Woman who never wants children
tZM: Whereas Terezi and her fiancee were going to have three grubs who looked like combos mixes of them
CV: a Career Whore
CV: dskghdfkjg
tZM: Yeah imagine Murphy Brown with lots of lipstick
tZM: okay that's just like saying
tZM: "just imagine Murphy Brown"
CV: zing
tZM: HA HA HA
tZM: Anyway Rose is also like
tZM: an accountant in this
tZM: a nasty bitchy career accountant from white collar roots
tZM: Also did I mention Terezi grew up on a troll ranch
CV: I was just about to say
CV: Terezi was a country girl
tZM: Yes
CV: she's from the FOR3ST
tZM: TH3 Y3LLOW TROLL OF T3X4S
CV: fgdfjk
tZM: But then her fiancee went to the city to earn money and died and she went to go train as a legislacerator it was very sad

CV: okay but what about jade and john?
CV: was Jade killed by trolls too?
tZM: Okay John can be one of two things here
tZM: John can be the muscular car mechanic/fireman who will appear in the sequel and is Dave's friend
CV: ooh mr. egbert ooh
tZM: or John can be a tragic hobo who dies
tZM: but in that case he has to be 90 and have dispensed
tZM: love advice
CV: NGGH HARD DECISION
tZM: all "you two sure look cute together"
tZM: "you're a nice couple"
tZM: W3 4R3 NOT 4 COUPL3 *BLUSH*
tZM: "ha ha just you wait"
tZM: "i am never wrong"
tZM: but yeah either way Terezi and Dave start to slowly change attitudes about each other and you know that thing where she turned up in civvies was nice
tZM: except
tZM: in this she looks gorgeous
tZM: and they share a single smooch but don't have sex because it's fraternizing and also it's wrong and they don't love each other this can never happen because terezi is still mourning her fiancee

tZM: Oh oh oh Jade is also
tZM: five
tZM: she is an adopted girl
tZM: Dave took in
tZM: and he's supporting her
tZM: She is his world
CV: ahdkjfdgfj
CV: i can't
CV: this is
CV: too much
CV: stop
CV: no
CV: keep going
tZM: there's only one thing she wants, jenn
tZM: that he can't
tZM: give her
tZM: and that's
tZM: a mommy
CV: sobbing
tZM: Probably her mom was like some hooker who pressed her only child into Dave's arms with her dying breath
CV: my jadesette i give her to your keeping
tZM: lnflafno3iwqanf
tZM: Yes
tZM: But they don't have much but what they have he gives to her
tZM: Also Jade hates Rose
tZM: Rose wanted to put Jade in some kind of boarding school for waifs
CV: adaafadfs
tZM: But when she meets Terezi they just click immediately and Terezi is all softly 1 4LW4YS W4NT3D TO B3 4 LUSUS
CV: I
CV: ALWAYS
CV: WANTED
CV: TO BE
CV: A LUSUS
tZM: softly
tZM: softly to herself
CV: .......
tZM: but then Dave knows she's thinking about Karkat and it just hurts him so much
CV: DGFDKdkjhdfkjffg
tZM: nothing will ever replace that dead troll fiancee in her vascular system

tZM: Anyway Terezi throws up food into Jade's mouth or whatever trolls do
CV: shhds
tZM: and they just love each other so deeply
tZM: and just when it looks like Terezi and Dave might start dating properly and admit their love to each other it
tZM: turns out
tZM: that KARKAT IS ALIVE
tZM: HE WAS HIT ON THE HEAD AND NOW HAS AMNESIA
CV: OF COURSE
CV: IS HE A GANGSTER NOW IN THIS TOO???
tZM: YES
tZM: TAKEN IN BY THE VERY GANGSTERS
tZM: WHO TOOK HIS MEMORY
CV: OH NO
tZM: AROUND HIS NECK HE CARRIES A NECKLACE INSCRIBED WITH TEREZI'S NAME BUT DOESN'T KNOW WHY HE HAS SUCH A SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT TO IT
CV: BUT GANGSTERS AND LEGISLACERTAORS ARE SWORN ENEMIES
tZM: I KNOW RIGHT
CV: THEY WILL BE LIKE TROLL ROMEO AND JULIET WHO SLEW THREE PLANETS TO BE WITH EACH OTHER ONLY TO BE BANISHED TO THE RIM
tZM: EXACTLY
CV: AND THEN COMMIT A ROMANTIC MURDER SUICIDE
CV: HOW CAN DAVE COMPETE WITH THAT?
tZM: YEAH EXACTLY
tZM: DAVE KNOWS HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COMPETE WITH THIS SHIT
CV: SO HE LEAVES HER
tZM: FOR ROSE
CV: FOR HER OWN GOOD, RIGHT?
tZM: WHO IS BUSY DOING TWENTY ACCOUNTS
tZM: AND NOT HAVING CHILDREN
CV: DO HE AND ROSE DO
CV: THE RAP
CV: FROM THE BABY IS YOU
tZM: YES
CV: EXCEPT A HARDBOILED VERSION
CV: OK
tZM: ONLY THE LYRICS ARE NOW LIKE
tZM: WORD UP DAVE I'M A BUSINESSWOMAN NOW
I DON'T LIKE KIDS AND LET ME TELL YOU HOW
ALTHOUGH I'LL GIVE YOU MY SKANKY BUSINESS KISS
I WANT TO KEEP MY UTERUS A DUSTY ABYSS
CV: esjlrd

tZM: Jade is super unhappy at all this and Dave's heart hurts but
tZM: Okay a whole bunch of stupid shit has to happen at this point that nobody cares about but demonstrates that Dave has muscles
tZM: Rose is mean
tZM: Jade is adorable and prodigious
tZM: and Terezi is sad
tZM: OH YEAH AND TEREZI IS PREGNANT
tZM: DON'T KNOW HOW
CV: what
tZM: But doesn't want to tell Dave because she feels Dave went with Rose to be with Rose and doesn't want him to feel obligated to her
CV: HOW DID SHE
CV: GET
CV: PRAGNANT
tZM: Maybe they kissed real hard
CV: hsdfd
tZM: Maybe she caught it off a toilet seat
CV: ahhahads
CV: trolls get pregnant through the mouth because they
tZM: seedflap
CV: throw up in buckets right?
tZM: yes
CV: ooops
tZM: that or she just has like
tZM: food poisoning
tZM: i don't know
CV: she is the first pregnant troll in a million years
tZM: D4V3 1 4M PR3GN4NT terezi thats pinkeye
CV: saghfhds
tZM: Yeah it's beautiful and amazing and she's all glowing softly and shit
tZM: and Dave just wants her more than ever
tZM: he's tortured
CV: ahhskjd
tZM: Also Rose is sexually free with her favours but Dave cannot take joy in her awful business embrace
CV: he grips her shoulder pads despondently as they kiss with dead eyes
tZM: crying
tZM: crying

tZM: rose is already planning the wedding
tZM: Okay then I guess Karkat tells Terezi he can't be with her any more because of his awful gangster deeds but he's going to go to gangster rehab and find Jegus
tZM: OH DAVE ASSUMES TEREZI IS
tZM: TROLL PREGNANT
tZM: FROM KARKAT
CV: OF COURSE
tZM: but he's like oh no I will go and love her anyway even if we have to bring up karkles ugly baby
tZM: but she's like NO D4V3 TH3 B4BY 1S YOURS
tZM: he's like how did that happen
tZM: TH3 NORM4L W4Y
tZM: but we only kissed for five minutes during the maury palmer show
tZM: TH4T 1S TH3 NORM4L W4Y
CV: ahshsj
tZM: And then they get married and Jade has a mommy after all and the baby is called Bro II and the book ends
tZM: THE END
CV: BRO II

CV: no you
CV: you forgot the most important part
tZM: what
CV: the scene where they finally
CV: have sex
tZM: does it happen when he's overwhelmed by the miracle of pregnancy?
CV: this is the most important scene in any romance novel
CV: you need the negative sex scene
tZM: OH YES
tZM: YES
CV: which often doesn't end in actual sex
tZM: YES
CV: and then the loving, tender sex scene
tZM: Okay maybe they have an angry sexxy sex scene where he's like I DON'T LOVE YOU AT ALL BUT WE'RE GONNA BONE right after they discover about Karkat
CV: yes
CV: Or it's Karkat who is rough with her
CV: i can't
CV: I can't even
CV: finish it I just can't imagine it because
tZM: crying laughing
tZM: TEREZI I AM GOING TO BE SEXUALLY ROUGH WITH YOU
CV: dklghdfkghfdhgfkjdg
tZM: LET ME TAKE OFF MY SHOES FIRST THOUGH
CV: dmghdfkjghdfkjhk
tZM: YEAH WE HAVE TO BE SEXUALLY ROUGH BEFORE MY DAD GETS HOME

CV: if we were writing an IC dave/terezi romance novel the negative sex scene is the one where Terezi is all L3TS FO JUST1C3 ROL3PL4Y
CV: and then she gets the noose out
CV: and Dave's tears
CV: weren't ironic
CV: like she thought
tZM: yes
CV: they were sincere tz
CV: i meant it
tZM: sincere tears
tZM: BUT YOUR CRY1NG W4S SO F4K3 >:?
tZM: 1T SOUND3D L1K3 BLOO BLOO BLOO
CV: shit give me a break here its not like i got a lot of practice crying since im usually over here swallowing pain like a fuckin dudebro crossbred with some smelly otaku im afraid jades gonna bring home one of these days

tZM: I am just imagining all these roles are being played out by the actual cast wearing shitty costumes
tZM: jade is like i am five!!!!!!
tZM: my daddy drinks whiskey and never lets me watch animes
CV: jdshjdkg
CV: H3H3H3 1 W1LL B3 TH3 B3ST LUSUS TO YOU W3 W1LL W4TCH 4LL TH3 4N1M3S 4ND 1 W1LL FLY YOU 4ROUND 4ND T34CH YOU HOW TO BR34TH3 F1R3!
CV: yay!!!
tZM: dave thinks this roleplay shouldn't involve so much them drinking soda, making wisecracks about dave, and watching gundam wing
CV: YOU ARE BOTH RUINING THE SCENE. FUCK IT, FROM THE TOP AGAIN!
tZM: karkat wrote this screenplay didn't he
CV: yes
CV: it was like part of the grieving process when Terezi and Dave started dating
CV: it made him feel better
CV: about everything
CV: and then Karkat the tragic gangster hooked up with Dave's muscular fireman bff
tZM: that's the sequel
CV: but that's the sequel and was published under a ~~different~~ label
tZM: THE HUNKY FIREMAN AND THE SEXUALLY AGGRESSIVE GANGSTER
CV: dklgjdfkg
CV: Karkat is so SEXUALLY AGGRESSIVE
CV: just DOMINATING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING
CV: ha ha, okay karkat.
tZM: TEREZI I AM GOING TO BE SO SEXUALLY AGGRESSIVE WITH YOU
CV: H4 H4 OK4Y K4RK4T
tZM: JOHN I HOPE YOU ARE BLOWN AWAY BY MY SEXUAL AGGRESSION
CV: oh wow, that's a really good pun karkat!
CV: on like two different levels!
tZM: OH MY GOD YOU ARE DISGUSTING.
tZM: THAT IS PERVERSE.
CV: karkat!
CV: i meant it's becuase i used to have windpowers!
CV: ...... and also because you just gave me a blowjob in the car, ha ha.
tZM: then they have an argument
CV: in which karkat is VERBALLY ROUGH WITH HIM
tZM: I AM GOING TO AGGRESSIVELY TAKE OFF MY SHIRT IN A SEXUAL MANNER
tZM: SHIT THIS THING IS STUCK ON MY ARMS
tZM: JOHN, A LITTLE HELP HERE
CV: ret5r75r6
tZM: then they argue about the best way to button a shirt
tZM: karkat says if you don't button it up from the button you'll button it up wrong
tZM: john's like who even does that
CV: john's shirt is of course buttoned unevenly



And that is how I fixed everything.

For my next trick I will probably rewrite The Long Game as Christian lit circa 1997.
Tags: homestuck, jenn and i shouldn't be allowed to think, ridiculous log stuff
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